It Takes a Village to Raise a Child

In the course of my work, I have come across hundreds of teenagers and spoken with many of their parents (including mediation between child and parents). I have thus sort of gathered the factors for raising a child to be a good and useful person.

They say it takes a village to raise a child.  But from my experience, I would say this can be done by just a few good role models in the child's life.  I know of a lady who was divorced after five years of marriage.  She worked, and with the help of her parents, raised her son.  The young man is one of the few matured thinking persons of his age that I have met.  He knows how to comfort others, does not spend a lot of time on the mobile phone at gatherings, is thoughtful and sociable.  Of course, whether the character and personality of a person is the effect of nature or nurture calls for debate.  But here, we focus on what is within our control.

Some factors crucial to effective raising of a child:

• Showing the child that we care, by spending time with them each day, and listening to what they say.  And yes, despite our hectic schedule;

• Talk patiently instead of shouting at them.  Frequent shouting automatically makes children build a wall around them, and it will be difficult for us to get through to them after that.  Patience is the key; 

• Explain rationale for various values and rules.  For example, explain to them why it is important to put the phone away while eating, instead of just shouting "put your phone away!"  The more we explain, the more children think.  The more they think, the more they learn to analyse, and in turn, the more they understand.  The more they understand, the wiser they get.

Similarly, I find many teachers punish students when the students did not submit their work, without taking time to explain.  I feel that it is more effective to explain the importance of submitting work on time (learning to meet deadline, consistent revision allows for better absorption of knowledge, etc) than just shouting in class. I just need to explain once at the start of the school year, and the non-submission is usually a rare phenomenon in my class from then [we may need to explain one more time a few weeks later, but do not explain more than twice, or it will become nagging];

• Be aware what our children are learning on social media and from their friends. Hence the need to talk and listen to them each day, and use the opportunity to explain things like safety, wrong values, fake news and so on.

• Be a role model ourselves.  Young children and many teenagers observe and imitate behaviours.  They gravitate towards wise adults. 

Note : "Effective raising a child" here refers to the child growing up into a person who is filial, righteous, respectful, humble, confident, contributes positively to the society, and is happy about life himself. 

There are parents who told me "I don't even earn enough to feed my children.  How to spend time with them?" I always replied "What's the point of earning money to feed the children if they were to grow up not respecting you?" There are financial schemes from the government and from the schools.  Seek assistance.

In the classroom, sometimes when students don't behave, I will stop talking and look at them. They may be noisy for a while, but very soon, someone will notice that the teacher is silent.  And they will start to guess what the issue is, and the leaders in the class will sort it out or coerce the rest to settle down. I find it very effective.  This allows them to think, rather than making them react negatively straight away, if we were to shout.

How our children turn out to be, is a direct result of how we raised them.  So, do take the time to nurture them properly.

Thank you, JY and KM for allowing me to use this picture.