Seek First to Understand

The book that I have given as a gift the most often is the "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" (or more precisely, the "7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens", by Stephen/Sean Covey.  It is a good read, for those who want to be wiser.

In this post, I will focus mainly on the 5th habit advocated in the book: Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood.  The reason being, this habit is the most difficult to apply in practice (because of human nature), but is a necessary skill for happiness in life.  What I am proposing here are based on my interpretation of the Habit, and from my experience.

According to Stephen and Sean Covey, many people listen with the intent to reply, not with the intent to try to understand.  They can't wait to get their response out.

In almost all quarrels, both sides desperately want to put their point across, but not willing to listen to the other side, because their aim is to win the quarrel.  But many people do not understand that they won't achieve much by winning a quarrel alone.  We win only when both sides are satisfied with the outcome, not just "me".

Some reasons people get angry or get into a quarrel:

• miscommunications / misunderstandings;
• underlying trigger(s) (not due to the issue at hand, but because of personal problems);
• trauma/illnesses;
• stress at work;
• etc.

Hence it would be good to step a step back, and try to understand why the other party is unhappy/angry. The best approach to me, though, is to avoid getting angry ourselves, not angering another person, nor participating in a quarrel.  I will post an article on "Underlying Triggers" in the future.

Try not to ask an angry person "What's wrong?", as this can make the person feel more angry, by making them think more about their underlying trigger.  Hence we should try to lead them away from the anger point.

One way to defuse tensions: Usually when the person next to me starts to feel frustrated / lament angrily, I would ask them calmly "What are you doing?" (usually in Mandarin 你做什么?).  Somehow this triggers them to think and cool down. 

When couples quarrel, and when one of them seek advice from their friends, we sometimes hear "He/she doesn't try to understand me".  Have we tried to understand the other party first?  We may not be right every time, because of mindset, because we could be blind-sided by biasness etc.

The bottom line is, inadequate communications usually result in misunderstanding and unhappiness.  It is hence important to listen and understand what others need.  And for us to communicate our feelings and needs clearly and appropriately to others.

https://www.franklincovey.com/the-7-habits/