Mind Games
Basically,
a mind game consists of actions that benefit the game starter. Benefits like
- making the victim feel uncomfortable;
- sowing discord between two people or groups of people;
- gaining advantage over the victim.
When
we get disturbed after someone said something, a mind
game has probably been played. A true friend who has good EQ will
not say it in a way to make us feel disturbed.
It
is crucial that we are able to identify the various mind games played every day
in our life, understand the games, the least is not to get trapped. Move out of
them, and better still, turn them into our advantage, if we can or if we want
to.
When we feel disturbed by what someone said, maintain our composure, analyse the reason behind what the person said, and come up with a counter-measure.
If
it is likely just a casual comment from someone we trust, then this would not
be considered a mind game (I will call it an Approach). If we are at fault for something, admit and
move on. Do not get caught in any malicious conversation that follows.
Mind games happen daily, between spouses, friends, family members, colleagues, sales people and shopper, by scammers, and in wars (including political and economic ones). In this post, I will focus on things that affect us directly in our daily life.
In
order not to make this post too long, I will give only two examples of common
mind games. Will post more examples in
my subsequent posts.
Example
1:
Girlfriend (game starter) to boyfriend : “Cigarette or me, you can choose only one.”
This may seem like a well-intentioned question, but it depends on the motive behind the question. If the girl’s focus is on herself, then it is a mind game. If her focus is on getting the guy to quit smoking, then it is an approach. The former situation will likely be the girl trying to get the guy to commit to the relationship, and the latter situation would obviously be about getting the guy to quit smoking (when she is very certain that the relationship is solid).
How should the guy react or respond? For this example, there is only one correct answer. Choose the girl, because cigarette is poison. But what is more important for the guy is to understand why the girl is asking that question, that would be a good opportunity to get to know the girl better (or to see her true face). This is what is meant by turning it into our advantage instead.
Example
2:
Colleague (game starter) to you : “Eh, I saw your wife having lunch with another man….”
Assuming that we know that this colleague is not someone with low EQ, then it is quite probable that he/she is playing a mind game, because one of the expected reactions to that comment is to make you feel uncomfortable.
To check that the colleague is not joking, you can ask “Where did you see them?” And watch the colleague’s reaction when he/she gives a reply. If it’s true, he/she will likely reply you with a serious look (this is alright, as it shows that the colleague is concerned). If it is a joke, he/she may break out a smile or grin. However, if he/she looks away while replying (unless he/she is a very good liar), it is likely a lie. If he/she replies calmly (or shockingly), it could be a mind game.
What comes next will depend on how much you want to tell that colleague (which will depend on the quality of relationship between you and that colleague).
A few suggested choices for your response:
- "Oh yes, she told me about it (regardless whether this is true or not, and can casually check with your wife later)";
- "Oh really? Let me check with her later (show your smile)";
- "Her whole firm is full of male colleagues, it’s not uncommon".
Whatever your reply is, do not show that you seem worried or upset. Watch your colleague’s body language and analyse what he/she says after that. If he/she keeps pushing the point, it is definitely a mind game to make you unsettled. What you need to do is hold your composure and do not lose the upper hand (your awareness of what is happening).
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