Taking a Step Backward

During a couples' quarrel, we often hear “you never understand me!”.  But have we tried to understand the other person first, before we say this?

There is a Chinese saying : “When we take a step backward, we see a wider horizon”.  If our goal is to win the argument, the outcome will not be good.  Both sides have to understand what each other needs, and then try to achieve a win-win situation.

It is important to know how to shift gear during an argument, or better still, before an argument starts. 

• The first trick is to remain calm.  Anger is contagious. 

• Try not to question, but state feelings.  Example, don't ask "why are you always coming home late?".  Instead, say "I worry when you come home late..."

• If the conversation does not go well, indicate that a time-out is needed.  We use the time to analyse what the other person actually wants.  Every unhappiness has an underlying reason, which may not be obvious during the argument.

• Do not throw things.  That surely does not help, not to mention we need to clean the mess up afterwards.   

• Time-outs should not last more than an hour or two.  Otherwise, it may turn into a silent war.

• Don't complain to friends or relatives.  This will bring out our self-righteousness and it goes against healing the relationship.

• Don't wait for each other to end the time-out.  If we want to save the relationship, we initiate.  We can start with "so what do we do now?"  Be empathetic.

• Then try to seek out the underlying issue, and urge the other person to solve the problem together with us.

This brings me to another context.  I sometimes ask my students, in a sports game, there will always be a winner and a loser (except when a draw happens).  How then, do they achieve a win-win in each game?  Many were able to say, “It is not about the winning, it is about the sportsmanship.”  Good for them.